Facing the concequences..

Ok. So it is summer... which means short sleeved tops. Unfortunately, due to my stupidity last last year, and this year... summer is a minefield. Luckily, i had enough sense not to cut below my elbow very much, which means i can pull off 3/4 tops, with only a few cuts on the tops of my wrist. I wore a short sleeved top to college the other day. I must say, i did spend the whole day on edge. Obvs the above picture isn't very clear, but shows some of the scars now left on my arm.. wonderful. I dread what will happen if i go on holiday this summer!

The self harm rate among teenagers is horrific. I went to a campout with 8 other people the other weekend. I noticed at the time that two of the people had scars on their arms... just faint ones but they were still there. And i later found out that they had both gone through 'phases' of depression etc.

So let's do the maths... 9 people.. 3 that we know of have SH... at least 1/3 of people at the campout had done it. That's a much higher fraction than the national 1/10, that's for sure! Although no one knows about me.. and i've been debating whether or not to tell somebody. i have stopped and haven't done it for a couple of months.. although no doubt college next year will drive me to it again. Even last week when i was trying to decide what to do for my project next year in photography made me want to reach for the craft knife. I get so stressed about college.

Ah yeah.. finished my first year. I should get 3 A's and idk.. maybe a C and D? or DD? or BC? I really have no idea about two of my subjects.. but i am hoping that i will get 3 A's for the important ones.

Sorry i haven't been on here much. I have been busy. It's funny when i think about how my blog has morphed... at first it was all pro ana... but now.. a story of stress and SF. 

Oh yeah.. i am now officially fat. Well... 11stone1. While i don't think people look at me in the street and think I'm huge.. i know i  am getting fatter and fatter.. so i really wanna go ana again.. but i'm just not sure how anymore.. it used to seem so easy.. :/

<3 <3 <3

so...

Ok well I weighed myself today, and haven't for a good week or so.

the scales read : 11.00 :O

FML!! hahaha. 

Luckily, it is lent soon, and i am going to give up chocolate, cakes, buscuits, crisps and sweets... should be a good 40 or so days!! Ok that is a little sarcastic, but from a weightloss point of view yeah it should be good!! That's what's made me 11 stone... biscuits cakes and chocolate! HAHA.

College is going well, ish, have so much work and I still haven't given in one project 100% complete in time! :O ah well...

Oooh so I've made a new friend at college, somebody who went to my old school. We were completely different people, she was rebellious and drank alot blah blah and i was the quiet one who just sat there doing her work, but she is in some of my lessons and now we are friends! Which I'm glad about as it certainly means a more vibrant social life, as the rest of my friends don't drink or anything. Last night it was her birthday and we went to a meal at an itallian, it was really nice, and despite the fact we were all 15-17, we all got served wine with no questions asked... BOOOYAAAA!! and i had a cocktail... then later i had some more wine, some rum and some rum and coke. Good times. Best night I have had in agesssssssss and the best thing is my friend used to live in a village, but now she lives like 5-10 mins from me.. so yeah that aspect of my life is good.

Oooh and it's not fair to say that i have given up SH. I HAVE to wear long sleave tops, which is difficult sometimes. and if i get invited swimming there is no way i can go!!!! It's bad hahaha. Ok i shouldn't laugh.... :| but oh well im fine. cept i am fat. lol.

This holiday i have been experimenting with painting with light for photography, my question for the exam is coloured light, so i have been experimenting with both coloured and ordinary light. Here is an example... 

I've also been a lot more experimentational aswell, but I don't want to go uploading all 300 pics! haha. ooh and i came across this pic of me at the end of like 2007... long time ago, i know, but i wish i had this body again. Excuse the messy room lmao.

*sigh*

Anyway better go, still got stuff to do before monday. :|

<3 <3 <3

quick update

Ok well college has been stressful although i am feeling ok with it atm... got art, photography and graphics exams when i get back after half term :O but oh well, they're just other projects i guess!

ooh yes and my photography and graphics teacher both think i could get an A* by the end of A2 :)

good stuff! although i still feel like i'm not doing enough work :O

CW:10.6/146.2lbs.

I should weigh more than that tbh... i have been eating SO MUCH CHOCOLATE. I mean like we had club bars the other day... and i would eat like one after another.. 5 at a time HAHA. so i am lucky that i'm not now obese!

but anyway i am going on a diet now... so wish me luck! :)

Gotta go and do some worrrrrrk :/ <3

stress!

ok, so sorry I haven't been on for ten million years, I have had SO MUCH COURSEWORK! It's unbelievable! It's fun tho! But sooo stressful.

And I am such a perfectionist and I keep setting myself extra work to do! Which means i end up a bit behind everyone else sometimes (but honestly, you should see some people's presentation... scruffy pencil writing, paint splats, ripped pages, *sigh*), I guess my presentation is influenced by graphics :)

And i have decided that I think I want to be a graphic designer YAY :D

Current grades:

Art:B

Graphics:B(although my teacher said I was working towards A)

Photography-A

Communication and culture-C+ (FML. but thats close to B and our exam isn't til may, so fingers crossed! I'm gunna drop it anyway I think).

Critical Thinking:B

So it's looking OK. I preferably want an A (at least) in my Arts, and the other two at least B's.

NO C's! *god i really have to stop setting myself such high targets!* AHHH!

I can't remember what I put in my last post (and I am not even going to look, it's late, i still need a bath and i am ill and have been for the past week!) but I know it was a long time ago, sorry if i repeat anything!

Since then I have had presentation evening at my old school; I won three prizes :D (the most won in the entire 160 people year, get in there! :D)

-Diploma in creative and meda prize- where I found out that my work has been taken in as examples of good work (out of the whole country)

-German prize! 'Ich spreche viel Deutsch!'

-The attendence prize (three years in a row without a day off... ultimate nerd award lmao. and what i said to my mum and dad was 'it's an easy prize to get; all you need to do is turn up!') haha xD

So that put me in a good mood.

But previously i did SH.

I hope you know what that abbreviation is as I didn't really want to write it :/

It was when i was completely stressing about a hand-in, which in the end I didn't completely finish by, but the teacher wasn't even fussed as i did lots of work anyway!

I have done it before, but that was when i was like 12/13, going through my 'emo' phase with my friends, and that was with the needle from a badge lmao. I made the smallest ever cuts. attention seeker.

But this time it was a craft knife.

LOL.

I shouldn't be loling but it sounds silly!

but it is annoying me as it's fairly low on my arm so i can't wear short sleve tshirts, which most of my pjs are, so i've had to wear different tops/my hoodie to bed haha.

Anyway, i am fine now, apart from the annoying cough (and the occasional stressy, irrational moments) as i keep staying up til like 2 on college nights so i have become suseptable to illness.

ahh well.

Better go! I'll be on the bus in 9 hours!!

x x x x x x

Back on track...ish..

Ok so i woke up to my mum and dad shouting at eachother-6.30am. So with under 5 hours sleep, i decided to eat a sausage sandwhich hahaha...

Sausage sandwhich-175

Sweetcorn-101

tea-10

cucumber-15

dried apricots-84

chocolate mousse-74

tea-10

tuna mayonaise sandwhich-205

=684... 16 cals left.

Edit: so i ended up eating:

Jelly-8

tea-10

4 cakes (OMG! but at least they were healthy living with 0.3g of fat each!)-360 :S

Total:1082 :S well, i am getting better, but i am still not good enough! :O I have been at home all day, and i guess i have also eaten more as i have been awake for over 13hours, whereas i would usually wake up at 9/10/11

Tomorrow i am off to enrole at college, so that is going to keep me occupied and away from food for about 4 hours! :)